Graduation Speech Template

2011 Graduation Speech Template

Ladies and gentlemen, teachers and professors, graduates and wannabes—wear sunglasses. Not just because there's less ozone around and the sun shines brighter than ever. No, wear sunglasses because everyone has a video camera and anonymity is the grandfather of good times and reckless behavior. Wear sunglasses because they can conceal at least fifty percent of what happened last night. Wear sunglasses so that no one can tell if you are really paying attention. Wear reflective sunglasses. When a highway patrolman looks you in the eyes he will see infinity, and that might just distract him long enough for you to drive away.

Today I will not dispense pearls of wisdom. In fact, on my way over to this ceremony I committed fifteen acts that would make my parents wince, and quite a few things that would make my grandparents disavow me as a family member. We are not standing at a crossroads today. People who stand at a crossroads have a tendency to get hit by speeding traffic. My advice to you the next time you are standing at a crossroads—get out of the way.

Exercise your thumbs and build up those calluses.  Every activity that is really important today requires good finger dexterity. In the future, every gadget will operate by twitching your nose and thinking real hard. Until that day comes, workout those thumbs.

Ignore previous commencement speeches. Do you have any idea how many people threw out their backs dancing the funky chicken while applying sun screen?

In the words of Sir Edward Elger, as he spoke to the graduating class of 1907 at Cambridge University, "I wrote this music you're listening to right now. Sit up straight and show a little respect. And for God's sake young man, take that chewing gum out of your mouth."

Do you know how many high school teachers you could hire on the salary of just one Hedge Fund Manager? Twenty-thousand. That's right—twenty thousand teachers for just one hedge fund manager. But think of the greater tragedy. If you did that, you would lose one of America's greatest innovations—the Pyramid Ponzi Scheme.

World's biggest oil spill? History's worst tornado season? Hey, I'm just saying, either drive less often or exchange your car for a tank.

Be annoying and irresponsible while it's still cute. Dance when no one is looking. Do things that make your cat laugh and I promise that she'll return the favor. Throw away the owner's manual. The real joy in purchasing a new product is finding a creative way to re-purpose it.

Pierce and tattoo yourself as much as you possibly can. The window of opportunity is forever narrowing. Keep all of the friends you have now. That way you won't have that awkward moment of getting reacquainted through Facebook.

Don't go into business school unless you positively have given up on all other alternatives. Eat every breakfast like it's your last meal. It's a great way to start the day. Take up a hobby even if everyone else tells you it's ridiculous. Think of all the flack Steve Jobs and Bill Gates had to put up with while they were puttering around in the garage.

Don't worry about the future. It's not worrying about you. Stick your head out the window of a moving vehicle and let your tongue hang out. Dogs have got to know something we don't. Travel to Europe. Travel to Asia. Travel to South America. Travel to some place no one has ever heard of. That last one may not be as easy as it sounds.

Don't try too hard to get it just right. The best creations are always imperfect.

Sing, dance, draw, skip, write, run, read, breathe, sweat, roll, play, dress up funny, look different and compliment. Always compliment. Even when your inner voice is telling you to do the total opposite.

And, really, really, really enjoy sexual intercourse. It's gets a lot of bad press, but it's still a whole lot of fun.

Remember this: advice is a lot like masking tape. It's cheap to come by and rarely applies.

But trust me on the sunglasses.